Jordan (@jpflash12) — All I want to do, is trade this life for something new. REG❤️
I don’t know where I should begin. There’s a lot I want to say, but at the same time I don’t know how. Every time I come to see you it’s either windy, snowing, or raining. March 15 marked 5 years since your passing. I can remember that day so vividly. I remember just getting this feeling while I was at school. I knew something was wrong. At the time I just turned 16. That was supposed to be when the world starts opening up. Most kids at 16 will get a car or have a huge party to celebrate. For my sixteenth birthday I had to face the loss of my father. Since that day I don’t know what’s going on. I figured while I was in school I had my life figured out for the most part. I knew what I wanted to do then, I knew where I wanted to go. But one by one everything just crashed. I got blindsided at every turn, by the things a lease expected. It kinda feels like I’m trying to breath under water. I keep trying to climb, but I just keep falling farther. I never asked to let go. I never thought that I could sink so low. If everything would just stop, then maybe I could clear up my thoughts. If everything would stand still I could’ve hidden how lost I feel. I have many sleepless nights because my mind just keeps going. I think about stuff that will never happen. I’m physically drained but I just can’t sleep. Whenever I go out and get introduced to new people I’m so quiet because in my head I already feel like I’m judged and disliked by them. So I’m scared to say anything at times. I hate myself for the way I think but I can’t change that. Every time I put myself out there I just get shot down or thrown out. There are times where I am happy, but then I get blindsided by something else and fall right back to where I am. I just want my life to turn around at some point. I’m trying to get myself back up. I just want someone that can understand what this is like. I know I’m not perfect. I know that I’m not good looking, or that athletic or really good at anything. I just wish someone could see the good in me. I now know what you felt like to be all alone. I had to make a choice that was not mine. I had to say goodbye for the last time. Until I see you again, I love you dad.